September 3; Day Three

Right now, my kitchen is infested with ants. Lots of scurrying little, tiny black ants.  Think Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror film, “Birds”, but ants instead. Well, maybe not that bad, but it paints a good picture. Some of these ants are in an almost straight line formation marching along as quickly as possible; each following the other, working, working. Never questioning, just doing.

On a different counter, there are a few ants wandering around seemingly aimless. I like to think they are the rebels, the ones going their own way, enjoying life, taking pleasure in the scenery. They have their own agenda. They still work, still get the food; they just don’t follow their society’s norm.

My day starts around 5 a.m. Well, the alarm is set for five, but I usually start waking up around 4ish. I pull on my workout clothes, grab my phone, glasses, water bottle, and then plod downstairs. I refill my water bottle and get on the treadmill. During the thirty minutes I walk, I will read a devotional that I have an app for on my phone, along with the bible app for the corresponding scripture. That takes about 10 minutes. Then I scroll quickly through facebook and instagram. Sometimes, I run for 5-6 minutes. Working my way back into running longer periods, maybe.

When I finish, I grab a cup of coffee and head over to my desk. There I respond to a few emails and other assorted computer tasks. After that, the morning is a blur of feeding animals, preparing a smoothie for breakfast, packing lunch, and getting ready for work. If I’m lucky, my oldest gets up and we chat while we both get ready. I drive to work where the day rushes by in an adrenal push. Most days, I come home, eat and talk with my children, watch a show, feed the animals, shower, and go to bed. The next day, I start all over again. Five days a week.

I feel like one of those marching ants. Staying in line. Doing what I’m supposed to do. Going, going, going. 

I would rather be one of the rebel ants. 

 

To Grey or not to Gray

To Grey or not to Gray?

Even the spelling is a conundrum.  I have been coloring my hair approximately every three weeks for the past 12 years. That’s a lot of chemicals being absorbed into my brain. (No wise cracks, please!) So, I am contemplating letting the color go natural. Which is, um, silver. 

This year I turned fifty. Fifty. This year I officially hit menopause. Those two things I had no control over. However, I did have control over how I spent my time. I made 2012 a year of no men: no dates, no romantic relationships. I have limited activities that take me away from my kids and home. I have focused on me and my family. I even pulled out of all church activities. I made these choices because I have spent my entire life (did I mention fifty years) of trying to be, look, and behave as others expect, or what I perceive they expect. Who “they” are is non-specific. It is just “they”.  I needed time to (cliché warning) discover who I am. Part of that discovery process is to stop being what others expect. Or, at least, start stopping.

Coloring my hair to hide the grey is part of that doing what others expect. Some of you are thinking it is no big deal. In a society where being young is worshiped, it is a very big deal. Going gray represents that I am no longer a young adult. It forces me to accept that I am an older woman and to come to terms with who I am and where I am in my life. It doesn’t mean I have to sit in a rocking chair and do nothing. But, by holding on to brown hair, and being thoroughly thrilled when people act shocked when I say I am fifty, am I really embracing this next phase of my life? What is wrong with looking fifty? I’ve earned every grey strand, every wrinkle.

Hair has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves. If we are having a bad hair day, pretty much the day is shot. Good hair day and the world is beautiful. There is a part inside of me that would love to have long, gray hair. Kinda hippy-ish. I have also seen mid-to-long grey hair on women who look extremely classy. Sometimes, I want to cut it all off and go with the strictly business look complete with suit and tie.  Most days, I am somewhere in-between. 

So, for me, I think going grey will be a step toward accepting my life, moving forward, and no longer hiding who I am. 

Of course, in six months I may be writing another blog titled, “What the Heck was I Thinking?”