September 23; Day Twenty-Three

"Cease striving, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

This is one of my favorite verses. Only, that “cease striving” or another version states, “be still”, is more of a wish for me. I find it very difficult to cease or be still.

I had to make myself slow my thoughts and consciously take deep, relaxing breaths while sitting on the beach last week. Sometimes, at work I find my hands clinched, my shoulders hunched, my stomach in knots, my anxiety level way out of control. Nobody is driving me except me. My boss reminds me that our job is not life or death. I don’t know how to stop.

Maybe because other people seem to make everything look much easier. Maybe because I seem to step into positions that the previous person left huge shoes to fill. Maybe because sometimes I feel stupid and inadequate. Or maybe it’s because I feel the need to be “god”; to be perfect, to know everything, to not mess up. That’s just slightly an unrealistic way to be.

However, when I seem to be at my most stressed, this verse pops up. “Cease striving, and know that I am God…” He’s got this. But then I think, “Yeah, He’s got this, but I have to do it.” So, in essence, I take it back from Him and continue to strive.

I’m thankful He is patient with me. Just wish I wasn’t so stubborn in this.

Kayaking

It’s been a while since I have written anything. I really need to get in nature more often. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of going kayaking with my two daughters. This was my first time in a kayak by myself. It was a lot of fun. I did not tip over even once.

The directions on how to get to our destination were not exactly clear. This caused our 2 hour trip to become a 3-1/2 hour trip. However, we are accustomed to taking adventurous side trips. (We do not get lost, we take adventures.) We enjoyed the panoramic view of the Blue Ridge Mountains, saw a pair of wild turkeys with little babies rustling around in the grass, and a mama deer and her little fawn.

Upon reaching our destination to rent three single kayaks, we were loaded on a bus and taken to a spot to be dropped off for our three mile journey back. The river was high and running swiftly. On a normal day, this would take around three hours. It was an hour and a half kind of day.

The river is dam released, so the water is very cold. The three of us hauled our kayaks down to the water’s edge and gingerly stepped into our vessel. Excited and nervous at the same time because this was the first time for two of us on a single kayak. We pushed off and started our journey down stream. The weather had a fifty percent chance of rain, but the sky was partly cloudy, with lots of warm sun peaking through. There was a gentle breeze. Perfect weather.

As I gained confidence, I would maneuver my boat to go backward and sideways. Occasionally, I would see something on the bank of the river and paddle hard to go back upstream against the current to see what it was; to see what I’d missed. Most of the time, the current was too difficult for me to go back up. That didn’t stop me from digging in my heels and dipping the paddles deeper into the water, determined to go against the natural direction of my journey.

Once in a while, I would be able to catch a better glimpse of what I went back for. However, when I would turn around and go the direction I was supposed to go, the experience was much more enjoyable. I even found myself paddling toward the small, little rapids and being thrilled with the short rush and cold splash of water. When not trying to go back, I was able to see the incredible scenery all around; the greens of the trees, the blue sky with soft white clouds. The sporadic homes built at the river’s edge were gorgeous. I could even dangle my feet over the sides of the kayak into the cold, refreshing water.

All too soon, the experience was over.

This trip caused me to make a connection between this journey and my life’s journey. Too often, I find myself paddling upstream, thinking something back there or over to the side is better than the path I am on. I struggle and struggle to go there. In the meantime, I miss the excitement and pleasure of going with the current of my own destination. When following the path that God has for me, I can even delight in the rapids, the rough places, knowing that they are short in reality. I gain confidence and experience by going through them. I become stronger. I can sit back and enjoy the gifts and blessings all around me. 

I know that this journey is way too fast, that the three-hour trip is really an hour and a half. My prayer is that I learn to quit paddling upstream; to relax and enjoy the journey.

Peace

This time of the year I usually find myself more introspective; more melancholy. There is a change in the air. Another year is fast coming to an end. I find myself, once again, contemplating where I’ve been and where I am going.

This year has had more ups than downs. I ended a long relationship. I found a great part-time job which has turned into a full-time job. I will be finishing my associate’s degree.  My oldest child started college. I had to put my dog to sleep. I gained another cat (put that in whichever category you wish!). I have reconnected with old friends; made new friends; deepened some relationships that I have neglected.

I went for a walk today to reflect on some of these things. Sometimes, I feel restless and have to get outside. It was just me and my daughter’s dog, Chloe. I chose not to put in my headphones. I wanted time with God. So, Chloe and I walked for an hour at a local park.

We passed a few people, but the park was not crowded. As we approached the end of our walk, I realized that as usual, my mind wandered all over the place. I thought, “Well, so much for an epiphany from God.” I knew it was my fault, though. I let my mind go.


 Then new thoughts slipped in:

“Didn’t you feel the gentle breeze through your hair? Did you see the golden sun rays streaming through the grey clouds? What about the ripple of waves across the water as the wind blew? Did you notice the little bits of gold and red of the leaves still holding on? Did you miss the sound of a hawk and the blue jays? Didn’t you see the ducks as they paddled across the water? “

Then the epiphany: God did meet with me even though my thoughts wandered. He met with me through my senses and He infused my soul with His peace.