To Grey or not to Gray

To Grey or not to Gray?

Even the spelling is a conundrum.  I have been coloring my hair approximately every three weeks for the past 12 years. That’s a lot of chemicals being absorbed into my brain. (No wise cracks, please!) So, I am contemplating letting the color go natural. Which is, um, silver. 

This year I turned fifty. Fifty. This year I officially hit menopause. Those two things I had no control over. However, I did have control over how I spent my time. I made 2012 a year of no men: no dates, no romantic relationships. I have limited activities that take me away from my kids and home. I have focused on me and my family. I even pulled out of all church activities. I made these choices because I have spent my entire life (did I mention fifty years) of trying to be, look, and behave as others expect, or what I perceive they expect. Who “they” are is non-specific. It is just “they”.  I needed time to (cliché warning) discover who I am. Part of that discovery process is to stop being what others expect. Or, at least, start stopping.

Coloring my hair to hide the grey is part of that doing what others expect. Some of you are thinking it is no big deal. In a society where being young is worshiped, it is a very big deal. Going gray represents that I am no longer a young adult. It forces me to accept that I am an older woman and to come to terms with who I am and where I am in my life. It doesn’t mean I have to sit in a rocking chair and do nothing. But, by holding on to brown hair, and being thoroughly thrilled when people act shocked when I say I am fifty, am I really embracing this next phase of my life? What is wrong with looking fifty? I’ve earned every grey strand, every wrinkle.

Hair has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves. If we are having a bad hair day, pretty much the day is shot. Good hair day and the world is beautiful. There is a part inside of me that would love to have long, gray hair. Kinda hippy-ish. I have also seen mid-to-long grey hair on women who look extremely classy. Sometimes, I want to cut it all off and go with the strictly business look complete with suit and tie.  Most days, I am somewhere in-between. 

So, for me, I think going grey will be a step toward accepting my life, moving forward, and no longer hiding who I am. 

Of course, in six months I may be writing another blog titled, “What the Heck was I Thinking?”