To Grey or not to Gray?
Even the spelling is a conundrum. I have been coloring my hair approximately
every three weeks for the past 12 years. That’s a lot of chemicals being
absorbed into my brain. (No wise cracks, please!) So, I am contemplating
letting the color go natural. Which is, um, silver.
This year I turned fifty. Fifty. This year I officially hit menopause.
Those two things I had no control over. However, I did have control over how I
spent my time. I made 2012 a year of no men: no dates, no romantic relationships.
I have limited activities that take me away from my kids and home. I have focused on me and my family. I even pulled out of all church activities.
I made these choices because I have spent my entire life (did I mention fifty
years) of trying to be, look, and behave as others expect, or what I perceive
they expect. Who “they” are is non-specific. It is just “they”. I needed time to (cliché warning) discover who
I am. Part of that discovery process is to stop being what others expect. Or,
at least, start stopping.
Coloring my hair to hide the grey is part of that doing what
others expect. Some of you are thinking
it is no big deal. In a society where being young is worshiped, it is a very
big deal. Going gray represents that I am no longer a young adult. It forces me
to accept that I am an older woman and to come to terms with who I am and where
I am in my life. It doesn’t mean I have to sit in a rocking chair and do
nothing. But, by holding on to brown hair, and being thoroughly thrilled when
people act shocked when I say I am fifty, am I really embracing this next phase
of my life? What is wrong with looking fifty? I’ve earned every grey strand,
every wrinkle.
Hair has a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves. If we
are having a bad hair day, pretty much the day is shot. Good hair day and the
world is beautiful. There is a part inside of me that would love to have long,
gray hair. Kinda hippy-ish. I have also seen mid-to-long grey hair on women who
look extremely classy. Sometimes, I want to cut it all off and go with the strictly
business look complete with suit and tie. Most days, I am somewhere in-between.
So, for me, I think going grey will be a step toward
accepting my life, moving forward, and no longer hiding who I am.
Of course, in six months I may be writing another blog
titled, “What the Heck was I Thinking?”
