BOUNDARIES

A few years before my divorce, we went for marriage counseling. The counselor was very good, but her focus was on communication. Although we did have poor communication, she and I both realized that our issues were much more complicated. I won’t use this blog as a platform for exposing my ex’s disorders, but will focus on how I was helped through some of mine.

The counselor offered me one of her books, “Boundaries”, by Henry Cloud. I guess she could see that I didn’t set any boundaries when it came to people stepping on me. I was a people pleaser. I am still working on fixing that. Due to various circumstances in my life, I felt the need to try to make those closest to me happy. Unfortunately, that put me in a victim’s role to those who could never be happy. I was made to feel selfish, lazy, and worthless if I ever said no to any requests made of me. I would say yes, do the request, but feel resentful the whole time. Angry at that person and angry with myself. This lack of boundaries can and will lead to depression which I will talk about in another posting.

I have learned it is okay to say no. It does not mean I am selfish. It does not make me a bad person. I have also learned that it is not my responsibility to make others happy. Our happiness comes from within ourselves. I have discovered that if someone is not happy, nothing I do or say will change that. Does that mean I don’t do nice things for people? No. It means I make the choice because I want to do it, not because I am “guilted” into doing it.

That brings me to another thought. I mentioned being in a victim’s role. I also made a statement about choice.  Part of not being able to set boundaries was feeling like I had no choice. But that is not true. Anything I do I have a choice. I may not like the choices, but I have a choice. Even if someone put a gun to my head and said do this or I will shoot you, I still have a choice. Setting healthy boundaries involves taking ownership of my actions and thoughts. I cannot always control what goes on around me, but I can control my own thoughts and my own actions.

Another statement the counselor repeated was, “If you have a need, it is your responsibility to meet it.” This goes along with setting boundaries, too. If there is something I need, I am to speak up and do something about it. It is not anyone else’s job to meet my needs (or make me happy). I can ask of others, but they have the right to say no and I should respect that and vice versa.

I have a lot of other things I have learned, but I will save those for other posts.