Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending the day with my two children, Jessica and Liz, hiking on Blood Mountain at Vogel State Park in northern Georgia. It is about an hour and a half drive there from my home. On the drive up, we talked about anything that came to mind, observed the scenery and of course had snacks. We also brought our 80 pound dog, Chloe, and our 11 pound Chihuahua, Coco; both of which wanted to share our snacks.
I love going hiking. Some people get out in the woods and just push on through to get to the end. When the trail guides give an estimate of two hours to hike the trail, I know that we will take three or four. We stop and look at bugs, spiders, flowers and rocks. We like to look in nooks and crannies and discuss what type of creature may live in them. We marvel at tree shapes and sizes. Trees are fascinating. When children draw trees, they draw them straight. Trees are not straight. Add to the mix that Jessica is an incredible photographer and that definitely makes our hikes longer as she captures what she sees on camera. Liz usually brings a drawing tablet and sometimes we stop for her to sketch something that catches her eye.
On our drive up yesterday, we were chatty. For the first half of the hike we were chatty. Then we stopped at the park overlook, sat down and ate our granola bars and apples. We also brought some food for the dogs. The trees are still green and full of leaves so we did not get many views of the surrounding mountains. This spot did, however, have a little peek over a lake and we could see mountains beyond that. Beautiful. The weather was warm with a slight breeze most of the hike. A perfect day for hiking.
After leaving the overlook, we became less chatty; lost in our own thoughts. The woods are a great place for thinking. One of my top five strengths, according to the Clifton Strengthsfinder, is Intellection. Liz has this as one of her top five as well. (Haven’t tested Jessica yet.) Basically, that means I like to think. There is a constant hum inside my head. No, I do not hear voices. If you were to ask me what I was thinking about, most of the time I will not be able to tell you because my thoughts go from one thing to another continually. Before discovering that this is one of my strengths, I thought it was a symptom of depression. It actually can lead to depression if I am not careful and control the negative thoughts. I can stop the negative thoughts, but I can not stop the thinking. That is just how God wired me.
I have recently picked my Strengthsfinder book back up to revisit my strengths. I have enjoyed discovering my strengths. It has helped me to realize that the things about me that I sometimes thought were hindrances in my life are actually my strong points; things that make me who I am. Learning about them gave me permission to be me. One of the things the book suggests for people with an Intellection strength is to write our thoughts down. I am beginning to do that through this blog. Liz, is a writer, too. She has been writing, it seems, since before she could actually write. She has graciously allowed me to read some of her fiction and I am anxious for her to finish one of her many stories. She is really good.
Being a thinker, and an introvert, I need a lot of quiet time. Getting out in the woods is an absolutely wonderful place to go. It is quiet, peaceful. It helps to calm the mind, soothe the spirit. Although for me yesterday toward the end of the four-hour hike, my mind was thinking about my full bladder and which tree could I go behind to relieve myself without anyone seeing me, or me accidentally peeing on my shoes, or squatting over poison ivy, and not fall off the side of the mountain. I held it until we got back down.
Our drive home still had us lost in our thoughts. We left the windows down and the music up. We all, including the dogs, were pleasantly worn out. It was a wonderful day.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
WORDS
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” This is a lie. Words do hurt. Words spoke to others and words spoke inside one’s head can have life altering consequences.
My blog today will focus on the words we speak to ourselves either in our head or out loud. Words such as, “I can’t”. Negative words. Negative thinking. There was a time in my life that I would say “I can’t” a lot. Whether it was I can’t get out of bed, or I can’t stop myself from eating this whole candy bar (or two), or I can’t do fill-in-the-blank. This is basically a victim mentality. “I can’t” puts other things or people in control. “I can’t” keeps me from taking responsibility for my thoughts and behaviors. Most of the time “I can’t” really means “I don’t want to”. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life. I do still occasionally say, “I can’t”, but catch myself and change the wording to “I don’t want to.”
Another negative pattern that I recently caught myself doing was going back to a time period and continually listing all the bad things that happened. I used this as an excuse for not moving forward. For example, last September my basement flooded. Actually, on the Sunday evening before, I received an emotionally upsetting email. Woke up Monday to a flooded basement. The following Monday I started school. The next week my dog had to be taken to UGA veterinarian hospital. There are several more things that happened even after that. Yes, that was a very rough time. However, six or seven months later I was still listing those things as a oh poor me. A victim mentality of look at all the bad surrounding me. I can’t do this because of all this….etc.
A conversation I have had many times with my children is you can control your thoughts and you can control your behaviors. No one else can control what you do and think. Negative thinking will lead to depression. I know. I know how one little bad thought can snowball into obsessive worry and fear. I know how words like “I can’t” and “I am so overwhelmed” and “I don’t have time” can paralyze me from doing things. I also know that if something is really important enough to me, I will find a way to get it done. When I become uncomfortable enough with the way things are, I will change it.
Complaining is negative thinking out loud. Sometimes I just want to complain about everything. The weather, my finances, my animals, my hair. I have discovered that complaining can have that same snowball effect as I mentioned before. It is kinda like when I am cleaning my house (rare occasions) and I take something into another room and I see something that needs to be done there, too. Suddenly, the whole house (in my mind) is totally filthy, disorganized, and somehow it is my kids’ or the animals’ fault. No one ever does anything around here! I have to do everything and I don’t have time and I can’t…..see what happens? Negativity. So, I take a deep breath, or ten, and re-focus.
Only I can control what is going on inside my head. Until I grasp that concept, I will let negative thoughts control me. I will let circumstances and other people control me. I will continue to use negative thoughts to relieve me from any responsibility of doing the hard work of growing mentally and emotionally healthy.
I will end this with one of my favorite Scriptures from the book of Philippians, chapter 4 verse 8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy---think about such things.” (italics mine)
My blog today will focus on the words we speak to ourselves either in our head or out loud. Words such as, “I can’t”. Negative words. Negative thinking. There was a time in my life that I would say “I can’t” a lot. Whether it was I can’t get out of bed, or I can’t stop myself from eating this whole candy bar (or two), or I can’t do fill-in-the-blank. This is basically a victim mentality. “I can’t” puts other things or people in control. “I can’t” keeps me from taking responsibility for my thoughts and behaviors. Most of the time “I can’t” really means “I don’t want to”. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life. I do still occasionally say, “I can’t”, but catch myself and change the wording to “I don’t want to.”
Another negative pattern that I recently caught myself doing was going back to a time period and continually listing all the bad things that happened. I used this as an excuse for not moving forward. For example, last September my basement flooded. Actually, on the Sunday evening before, I received an emotionally upsetting email. Woke up Monday to a flooded basement. The following Monday I started school. The next week my dog had to be taken to UGA veterinarian hospital. There are several more things that happened even after that. Yes, that was a very rough time. However, six or seven months later I was still listing those things as a oh poor me. A victim mentality of look at all the bad surrounding me. I can’t do this because of all this….etc.
A conversation I have had many times with my children is you can control your thoughts and you can control your behaviors. No one else can control what you do and think. Negative thinking will lead to depression. I know. I know how one little bad thought can snowball into obsessive worry and fear. I know how words like “I can’t” and “I am so overwhelmed” and “I don’t have time” can paralyze me from doing things. I also know that if something is really important enough to me, I will find a way to get it done. When I become uncomfortable enough with the way things are, I will change it.
Complaining is negative thinking out loud. Sometimes I just want to complain about everything. The weather, my finances, my animals, my hair. I have discovered that complaining can have that same snowball effect as I mentioned before. It is kinda like when I am cleaning my house (rare occasions) and I take something into another room and I see something that needs to be done there, too. Suddenly, the whole house (in my mind) is totally filthy, disorganized, and somehow it is my kids’ or the animals’ fault. No one ever does anything around here! I have to do everything and I don’t have time and I can’t…..see what happens? Negativity. So, I take a deep breath, or ten, and re-focus.
Only I can control what is going on inside my head. Until I grasp that concept, I will let negative thoughts control me. I will let circumstances and other people control me. I will continue to use negative thoughts to relieve me from any responsibility of doing the hard work of growing mentally and emotionally healthy.
I will end this with one of my favorite Scriptures from the book of Philippians, chapter 4 verse 8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy---think about such things.” (italics mine)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
How to Write a College Essay
This is an essay I wrote in my Composition Class back in June.
So you find yourself in a college class and the instructor has assigned a two to three page, double-spaced essay on a topic of your choice. First thing you do is panic. That is a good reaction because writing a college essay can be a traumatic experience.
If you are lucky, the instructor will give you a list of topics to choose from. If not, the choices are immeasurable and this will produce the next step: a minor anxiety attack. Look over the list to see if there is anything you have even a small inkling of any knowledge on that subject. This is where the prewriting starts. Take out a piece of paper and start writing those thoughts down as quickly as possible before they disappear in the deep recesses of your brain. This is called brainstorming. There are other techniques to get those creative juices flowing such as freewriting: writing without stopping; and clustering: relating ideas on a piece of paper by drawing lines to connect those rambling thoughts. Another step to prewriting involves creating an outline of how your paper will support the topic.
After you have picked the topic, the decision of which type of essay you are to write must be made. This is another dilemma. There are at least eight different main forms of essays: example, definition, comparison/contrast, argumentative, cause/effect, process analysis, narrative, and descriptive. But wait, one essay can actually contain elements of all of these. That means the combinations are...well, you do the math. At this point, hyperventilating is a real possibility.
You have decided your topic and type for the essay. The topic must be narrowed down so that the paper doesn't lose its purpose running down rabbit trails. This narrowing down is termed, "The Thesis". (This is said in a deep, ominous voice.) This step may escalate the anxiety and hyperventilating. Take the topic and start asking questions: who, how, why, where, when and what. Here is where you start involving anyone or anything that may possibly listen. Discuss this with your kids, coworkers, cats, dogs, TV characters, the ceiling. This questioning is supposed to help limit which path the topic is to take. The thesis statement needs to be an opinion not a factual statement.
The topic has been decided. The type has been determined. The thesis has been narrowed down. Here comes the main part of the essay. The thesis of the essay must be supported with evidence. The type of evidence depends on the essay. For example, an example essay must have, you guessed it, examples that back your thesis statement. An example of writing a college essay being a traumatic experience would be describing loss of sleep and getting sick over trying to write an argumentative essay. Or, maybe that would be considered a cause/effect essay? It could even be classified as a narrative or maybe a descriptive essay. It is very confusing.
Finding the supporting evidence, especially if this is an argumentative paper, is probably not too difficult. The difficult part comes when you have to document or cite where you find the evidence. How you cite that evidence is extremely critical. Now the full blown anxiety attack rears its ugly head because one wrong move and all of a sudden the horrible word, "plagiarism" creeps in and an automatic zero for all your hard work and loss of sleep is threatened. In addition, the paper must have the correct margins and spacing. All these rules can make even the best writer get a bad case of writer's block.
Okay. Take a deep breath. Just a couple more steps to go and your paper is complete. After the body of the essay has been written, write a short summary of the paper. This is the conclusion. Try not to make it as anticlimactic as this paper will probably be. The topic, outline, thesis, body, and conclusion have been completed. All that is left is to rewrite the whole paper. All of the work just done is part of a rough draft. Look back over the paper, supposedly a few hours or days later, or even have a friend look over it and critique it. Clean up any grammar errors. Tighten up wording. Of course, this particular paper is supposed to incorporate all of the above steps in two hours or less.
If you have made it this far, congratulations. you have survived the traumatic experience of writing a college essay.
So you find yourself in a college class and the instructor has assigned a two to three page, double-spaced essay on a topic of your choice. First thing you do is panic. That is a good reaction because writing a college essay can be a traumatic experience.
If you are lucky, the instructor will give you a list of topics to choose from. If not, the choices are immeasurable and this will produce the next step: a minor anxiety attack. Look over the list to see if there is anything you have even a small inkling of any knowledge on that subject. This is where the prewriting starts. Take out a piece of paper and start writing those thoughts down as quickly as possible before they disappear in the deep recesses of your brain. This is called brainstorming. There are other techniques to get those creative juices flowing such as freewriting: writing without stopping; and clustering: relating ideas on a piece of paper by drawing lines to connect those rambling thoughts. Another step to prewriting involves creating an outline of how your paper will support the topic.
After you have picked the topic, the decision of which type of essay you are to write must be made. This is another dilemma. There are at least eight different main forms of essays: example, definition, comparison/contrast, argumentative, cause/effect, process analysis, narrative, and descriptive. But wait, one essay can actually contain elements of all of these. That means the combinations are...well, you do the math. At this point, hyperventilating is a real possibility.
You have decided your topic and type for the essay. The topic must be narrowed down so that the paper doesn't lose its purpose running down rabbit trails. This narrowing down is termed, "The Thesis". (This is said in a deep, ominous voice.) This step may escalate the anxiety and hyperventilating. Take the topic and start asking questions: who, how, why, where, when and what. Here is where you start involving anyone or anything that may possibly listen. Discuss this with your kids, coworkers, cats, dogs, TV characters, the ceiling. This questioning is supposed to help limit which path the topic is to take. The thesis statement needs to be an opinion not a factual statement.
The topic has been decided. The type has been determined. The thesis has been narrowed down. Here comes the main part of the essay. The thesis of the essay must be supported with evidence. The type of evidence depends on the essay. For example, an example essay must have, you guessed it, examples that back your thesis statement. An example of writing a college essay being a traumatic experience would be describing loss of sleep and getting sick over trying to write an argumentative essay. Or, maybe that would be considered a cause/effect essay? It could even be classified as a narrative or maybe a descriptive essay. It is very confusing.
Finding the supporting evidence, especially if this is an argumentative paper, is probably not too difficult. The difficult part comes when you have to document or cite where you find the evidence. How you cite that evidence is extremely critical. Now the full blown anxiety attack rears its ugly head because one wrong move and all of a sudden the horrible word, "plagiarism" creeps in and an automatic zero for all your hard work and loss of sleep is threatened. In addition, the paper must have the correct margins and spacing. All these rules can make even the best writer get a bad case of writer's block.
Okay. Take a deep breath. Just a couple more steps to go and your paper is complete. After the body of the essay has been written, write a short summary of the paper. This is the conclusion. Try not to make it as anticlimactic as this paper will probably be. The topic, outline, thesis, body, and conclusion have been completed. All that is left is to rewrite the whole paper. All of the work just done is part of a rough draft. Look back over the paper, supposedly a few hours or days later, or even have a friend look over it and critique it. Clean up any grammar errors. Tighten up wording. Of course, this particular paper is supposed to incorporate all of the above steps in two hours or less.
If you have made it this far, congratulations. you have survived the traumatic experience of writing a college essay.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
BOUNDARIES
A few years before my divorce, we went for marriage counseling. The counselor was very good, but her focus was on communication. Although we did have poor communication, she and I both realized that our issues were much more complicated. I won’t use this blog as a platform for exposing my ex’s disorders, but will focus on how I was helped through some of mine.
The counselor offered me one of her books, “Boundaries”, by Henry Cloud. I guess she could see that I didn’t set any boundaries when it came to people stepping on me. I was a people pleaser. I am still working on fixing that. Due to various circumstances in my life, I felt the need to try to make those closest to me happy. Unfortunately, that put me in a victim’s role to those who could never be happy. I was made to feel selfish, lazy, and worthless if I ever said no to any requests made of me. I would say yes, do the request, but feel resentful the whole time. Angry at that person and angry with myself. This lack of boundaries can and will lead to depression which I will talk about in another posting.
I have learned it is okay to say no. It does not mean I am selfish. It does not make me a bad person. I have also learned that it is not my responsibility to make others happy. Our happiness comes from within ourselves. I have discovered that if someone is not happy, nothing I do or say will change that. Does that mean I don’t do nice things for people? No. It means I make the choice because I want to do it, not because I am “guilted” into doing it.
That brings me to another thought. I mentioned being in a victim’s role. I also made a statement about choice. Part of not being able to set boundaries was feeling like I had no choice. But that is not true. Anything I do I have a choice. I may not like the choices, but I have a choice. Even if someone put a gun to my head and said do this or I will shoot you, I still have a choice. Setting healthy boundaries involves taking ownership of my actions and thoughts. I cannot always control what goes on around me, but I can control my own thoughts and my own actions.
Another statement the counselor repeated was, “If you have a need, it is your responsibility to meet it.” This goes along with setting boundaries, too. If there is something I need, I am to speak up and do something about it. It is not anyone else’s job to meet my needs (or make me happy). I can ask of others, but they have the right to say no and I should respect that and vice versa.
I have a lot of other things I have learned, but I will save those for other posts.
The counselor offered me one of her books, “Boundaries”, by Henry Cloud. I guess she could see that I didn’t set any boundaries when it came to people stepping on me. I was a people pleaser. I am still working on fixing that. Due to various circumstances in my life, I felt the need to try to make those closest to me happy. Unfortunately, that put me in a victim’s role to those who could never be happy. I was made to feel selfish, lazy, and worthless if I ever said no to any requests made of me. I would say yes, do the request, but feel resentful the whole time. Angry at that person and angry with myself. This lack of boundaries can and will lead to depression which I will talk about in another posting.
I have learned it is okay to say no. It does not mean I am selfish. It does not make me a bad person. I have also learned that it is not my responsibility to make others happy. Our happiness comes from within ourselves. I have discovered that if someone is not happy, nothing I do or say will change that. Does that mean I don’t do nice things for people? No. It means I make the choice because I want to do it, not because I am “guilted” into doing it.
That brings me to another thought. I mentioned being in a victim’s role. I also made a statement about choice. Part of not being able to set boundaries was feeling like I had no choice. But that is not true. Anything I do I have a choice. I may not like the choices, but I have a choice. Even if someone put a gun to my head and said do this or I will shoot you, I still have a choice. Setting healthy boundaries involves taking ownership of my actions and thoughts. I cannot always control what goes on around me, but I can control my own thoughts and my own actions.
Another statement the counselor repeated was, “If you have a need, it is your responsibility to meet it.” This goes along with setting boundaries, too. If there is something I need, I am to speak up and do something about it. It is not anyone else’s job to meet my needs (or make me happy). I can ask of others, but they have the right to say no and I should respect that and vice versa.
I have a lot of other things I have learned, but I will save those for other posts.
Friday, September 10, 2010
First Blog
I am sure you are wondering why the name of my blog is "Coffee and Kitty Litter". I asked my daughter, Liz, to help me come up with a name. She said it needed to be poetic, catchy, and something that described me. Then she said, "Like coffee and kitty litter". Should I consider that an insult? She said because I would probably be writing in the mornings while drinking my coffee and the fact that I was standing there talking with her while holding a bag of freshly scooped soiled kitty litter. I am fast on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady. Wait, I think I am already there.
I am not sure I'll do much with this blog. I am always blogging in my head, so why not write it down. Besides, there is not enough room to put all my thoughts in that little status update box on FaceBook. I have been inspired by an incredibly remarkable woman named Pam Asberry. I knew Pam a long time ago but have not actually seen her in person for quite some time. I do have her as a friend on FaceBook and I follow her blog at www.pamasberry.com.
A little about me. I have been a single mom for five years now. It seems much longer due to all the changes, both externally and internally, that have occurred. I have two beautiful daughters that have had to learn and grow along with me. There are some days it is difficult to determine just who is the adult around here. They are very mature in their thinking. I also have a soft spot for stray animals which explains why I have six cats and two dogs. Do not ask me to take in any more animals. Having six cats is what is making me crazy. That is my excuse, anyway!
I guess this is long enough for a first blog. Besides, my other daughter, Jessica, has poison ivy on her face all around her eye and it is making her face and eye swell up. She looks like she got in a fight and lost. We are going to the doctor in about an hour so I need to at least brush my teeth! If you have read this far, thanks. Hopefully, this blog will not be too boring. Maybe I can be of inspiration to others along the way.
I am not sure I'll do much with this blog. I am always blogging in my head, so why not write it down. Besides, there is not enough room to put all my thoughts in that little status update box on FaceBook. I have been inspired by an incredibly remarkable woman named Pam Asberry. I knew Pam a long time ago but have not actually seen her in person for quite some time. I do have her as a friend on FaceBook and I follow her blog at www.pamasberry.com.
A little about me. I have been a single mom for five years now. It seems much longer due to all the changes, both externally and internally, that have occurred. I have two beautiful daughters that have had to learn and grow along with me. There are some days it is difficult to determine just who is the adult around here. They are very mature in their thinking. I also have a soft spot for stray animals which explains why I have six cats and two dogs. Do not ask me to take in any more animals. Having six cats is what is making me crazy. That is my excuse, anyway!
I guess this is long enough for a first blog. Besides, my other daughter, Jessica, has poison ivy on her face all around her eye and it is making her face and eye swell up. She looks like she got in a fight and lost. We are going to the doctor in about an hour so I need to at least brush my teeth! If you have read this far, thanks. Hopefully, this blog will not be too boring. Maybe I can be of inspiration to others along the way.
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