I love Autumn. I enjoy the cool, crisp mornings. I am in awe of the leaves as they change from green to the deep reds and golden yellows. The sun casts a softer glow. I can feel the anticipation of the holiday festivities of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I also feel….melancholy.
The melancholy usually starts about the middle of September. It is very subtle at first. I can feel the slight change in the air and in the shift of light from the sun. I feel a slight change and shift in my being. I am not sure how to explain this. Sometimes it is just a sad, melancholy mood. Sometimes it is almost a panic as the year comes to an end.
Maybe, somewhere inside, as the season changes and as the year comes to an end, it brings awareness of just how quickly time is going by and I cannot stop it. I realize my age and wonder what I have done with all those years.
I had a friend tell me about Seasonal Affective Disorder, (SAD). I am pretty sure that is what I experience. It is a type of depression that people go through with season or weather changes. Some people feel it through the winter; some through the summer. Some people even sense a difference depending on whether it is sunny or raining. I definitely feel the rain.
I have another friend who says that she hibernates in the winter. She does not like to go out of the house. I am guessing she experiences SAD, too. It can be mild, or it can be severe. Now that I know what it is, it helps me to deal with it better, but does not take it away. I do not beat myself up anymore when I have days that I just have to sleep. I know it will pass when Spring comes. I have also learned not to commit myself to many activities during the fall and winter. This is difficult because of the holidays when everyone seems to get busier, I withdraw!
There are ways to treat SAD. For me, I just slow down. I am more introspective. I do, however, try to keep my mind occupied; stimulated with books or something so that I don’t wallow in the darkness in my head. I try to exercise and cut back on sweets. (Actually, I try to do that all year.) I allow myself to have the “down” days and don’t waste energy trying to figure out what is wrong. I used to think it was the circumstances around me or the people or whatever. Trying to lay blame somewhere until I realized it is just how I am wired.
I have also learned that I should not make any major life changing decisions from about November through mid-April. My kids will tell you that around March I am pretty much a basket case and usually end up cutting my hair short. If I just hold off till Spring is in full bloom, life is much better and my hair stays in place!
Some of you reading this will understand completely. Some of you experience this same melancholy or know people who do. Some of you have no idea.
This is not something I can just shake off or pull myself up out of. It just is. And that is okay.
